Last week I spent many nights up into the wee hours of the morning working on projects, research, and playing games on my PC. I came to realize on Thursday that I am being eaten alive by Spiritual Parasites. While sitting on my bed, I looked at the clock and saw that it was 2am. I picked up one of my prayer books and I remember thinking to myself “What a waste of time, I should have been in bed and instead I wasted good hours of sleep on frivolous things”. If I could have wagged my finger at myself, I would have. After saying my night/morning prayers, I looked over at the picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus next to my bed and I said “My dear All, I’m sorry for wasting time on stupid things, please forgive me and help me not to waste anymore time that could be spent serving you“. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, maybe I am not being hard enough. My neighbor called me earlier in the week and told me that he had been reading one of the Opus Dei books and he was greatly disturbed to read a part regarding time and how much time we waste. He was quite shocked and he thought about all the time that he wastes in his own life and he asked me if there was anyway of making that time back up. I replied that there wasn’t, but we have a responsibility once we realized our error to make the necessary changes in our lives to conform to the will of God for our particular lot in life.
If I dedicated to God half the time I waste every day, I would be on my way to sainthood. Instead, I find myself falling for every little parasite possible and I allow these little devils to take my life over. Take for example this morning, I was scared half to death at 5am when I heard a nuclear meltdown alarm sounding off. I had forgotten to turn off the speakers on my PC and I had left a game running, the alarm was sounding due to my base being attacked and … well you know what happened next. So here I was panicked as I jumped out my bed and I ran over to my PC. I sat down and found myself playing the game! I was so angry with myself, where is my self-control? Thankfully.. my guardian angel must have given me an incentive, I made myself go back to bed and slept for many more hours. (My poor Guardian angel… I really make his work harder)
I met with my spiritual director this week, we had a very frank discussion regarding my direction in life and recommended that I begin searching for a Diocese to apply to. He believes that I still have a vocation and wants me to take the invitation by God more seriously and do something about it. I hate to say this, but I feel quite hesitant about it. You see, I am finally beginning to settle back into life since I have been home almost 2 years from the Monastic life. I have a good job, lots of side jobs have risen up, decent money coming in, life is good and I haven’t been this happy in a job in about 5 yrs. And now.. the idea of picking up my roots and entering a Seminary again, it seems to be quite a risk in my mind. I know… I shouldn’t say such things. God will provide. But what if I enter a Seminary and then leave.. I will find myself back at square one trying to figure life out again, all over.
Ultimately… I will have to trust God and trust that he will lead me to HIS Will. Jesus, I trust in you. Please pray for me.. pray for strength and courage to follow God in a vocation if he is truly calling me there and pray that I will know his will for me.
One of the last things that Fr. T and I spoke about was the gift of Wisdom. Father told me that we should constantly be asking God for this special gift. The gift of wisdom is a spiritual taste of God. Once we taste that special gift, our taste for the things of this world begin to fade away and we are only attracted to the things of Heaven (que Br. Daniel Bowen).
When I was in the Monastery, Br. Daniel Bowen and I decided to take a walk through a park in Philadelphia near our monastery. I strapped a webcam to my hat and we spent two hours walking around while he read from a small book called ‘My Daily Bread’. In one of the short vids.. I captured a hilarious segment called ‘The Things of Heaven’… I still get laughs off this video. Br. Daniel was one of my favorite brothers, he was a great guy and will soon make a great Priest.
Pray for the gift of wisdom, when you receive it, you will find that the spiritual parasites have little to grasp onto and they will have less and less power over you.
God Love & God Bless,